Wednesday Humor: Dave Barry Explains a Colonoscopy

 

If you are easily offended, don’t read; I just find it totally humorous…if you’ve had one you’ll understand and if you haven’t, your time is coming.

This is from "Newshound" Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,  because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but:  Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the  future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA.

I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this  particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

About the Writer:  Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.  On the subject of Colonoscopies… Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where

no man has gone before!
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
And the best one of all.
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up  there?

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Gill.
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 15:11:14

    Very good Rhonda. I bet Andy must have missed something if he could not find his head up there huh????Love and hugs Gill. xx

    Reply

  2. Barbara
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 15:14:42

    Crack me up this was way too funny…omg. and the comments at the end. Kill me. My gut hurts. So true, so true, if we can\’t laugh at ourselves then what!!!!! Take care RhondaBarbie

    Reply

  3. Andy
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 15:27:15

    lmao Rhonda, That brought a smile Thank you :o)Andy x

    Reply

  4. Amy
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 15:49:56

    Ohhh now that is HILARIOUS! Almost spewed my drink out my nose.

    Reply

  5. Beth
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 16:47:38

    I have had a colonoscopy several times. The preparation is so much worse than the actual event because you don\’t feel anything.LOL

    Reply

  6. Angel eyes
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 17:24:09

    crazy angel eyes

    Reply

  7. Rusty
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 18:25:27

    OMG Rhonda, this was hilarious, thank God you have a sense of humor, this just cracked me up. Man I almost split a gut laughing.Too funny. Just love ya dear, you make me laugh and I love to laugh. Take care…………..Rusty ((HUGS))

    Reply

  8. Nae
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 22:23:42

    I\’ve read this before … and have laughed and laughed. Never done it … but my time is coming. My paid friend says that he tells his friend (the doctor) that he has to dim the lights, put on candles and offer him a glass of wine before performing the exam that proceeds this event.I hope this finds you well!God bless you and keep you,Nae :o)

    Reply

  9. Dianne
    Jan 21, 2009 @ 23:45:41

    I agree with Beth Marie! The preparation is the "Party Pooper" Ha! It is a relief to have a little sleep during the procedure although it does get a little drafty just before lights out. Everyone 50 yrs. and older should have it done and anyone who has a History of Colon Cancer in there family. Well I am pooped and going to bed. Oh pardon the pun it\’s been fun. Thanks for the laughs and goodnight! 🙂

    Reply

  10. Robin
    Jan 22, 2009 @ 01:44:33

    This really made me laugh !! Thank\’s for sharing…

    Reply

  11. Al's
    Jan 22, 2009 @ 02:23:42

    I always enjoy Dave Barry. I hope you are well. This mtcowboy worries about you a lot.Love you,Al

    Reply

  12. Isabelle
    Jan 22, 2009 @ 08:42:01

    Ok I know it is not nice to laugh about the "misfortune" of others but i admit this being rather HILARIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!Thanks for sharing.Hugs to you and Emma,Isa

    Reply

  13. Darla
    Jan 22, 2009 @ 14:27:06

    Very funny. Believe me the stuff he talks about drinking does taste like that. I have had it done, TWICE.You\’d think they could come up with something that tastes a little better.Darla

    Reply

  14. Melanie
    Jan 23, 2009 @ 04:21:41

    Rhonda~this is so funny~I am still laughing~thank you for the friday night laugh. Huge hugs~xxxx~

    Reply

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