Lizard Birth: Friday Funny


This ones for you Lizzie-Beth!

If you have raised kids and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was ‘something wrong’ with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

He’s just lying there looking sick,’ he told me. ‘I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?’

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.  I immediately knew what to do.

‘Honey,’ I called, ‘come look at the lizard!’

‘Oh, my gosh!’ my wife exclaimed. ‘She’s having babies.’

‘What?’ my son demanded.  ‘But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!’

I was equally outraged.

‘Hey, how can that be?  I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,’ I said accusingly to my wife.

‘Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?’ she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

‘No, but you were supposed to get two boys!’ I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

‘Yeah, Bert and Ernie!’ my son agreed.

‘Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,’ she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,’ I announced.  ‘We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..’

‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked.

‘Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?’ my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

‘We don’t appear to be making much progress,’ I noted.

‘It’s breech,’ my wife whispered, horrified.

‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged.

‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

‘Should I call 911 ? ‘ my eldest daughter wanted to know. ‘Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.’  (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

‘Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

‘Breathe, Ernie, breathe,’ he urged.

‘I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,’ his mother noted to him.  (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

‘What do you think, Doc, a C-section?’ I suggested scientifically.

‘Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured. ‘Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife asked.

‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet assured us.  ‘This lizard is not in labor.  In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.  And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.’ He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

‘So, Ernie’s just . just . . excited,’ my wife offered.

‘Exactly,’ the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence.  Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.  And then even laugh loudly.

‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. ‘It’s just .that . . I ‘m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . ‘  She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

‘I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,’ he told me.

‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amy
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 12:31:35

    Very, very funny!! I read this in a different version with hamsters. Still makes me laugh though…can you imagine. This is something that would happen to ME!!!


  2. Dianne
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 12:36:17

    Where do you find these things? This is halarious. Thanks for the laughs. Have a great weekend , Rhonda 🙂


  3. Lizzie-Beth4Him
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 13:21:39

    Thanks Rhonda… that was priceless! Huge hug for thinking of me. (((HUG))) I was thinking, as I was reading…that maybe there was a constipation problem…knowing lizards lay eggs…and having a female lizard…it was my first thought. We used to think that Lizzie was a Benny because it is hard to tell until they are older….where differences are more evident. One has to be careful in handling private areas…as the back could be broken or serious damage ensue when finding out the differences. As humorous as it surely was…and I love how the story was told…I am relieved no damage was accidentally done. Egg binding, in the female, where they get stuck, could kill a female.


  4. sweeti's
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 13:31:24

    Ohhh Rhonda this is such a storyMy god I had a good laugh..lizards lay eggs…lol.I did not dont worryhaha and the lil lizard was masturbating loljesus i never knew this..its sooooooooooo comicalLOlBe welll MJ


  5. Gill.
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 13:50:44

    Oh Rhonda !!!!! absolutely hilarious. How awful for that man lmao. Can you imagine???? I would never stop laughing I dont think. Defo need a liner then lol.Love and hugs Gill. xx


  6. Beth
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 14:41:25



  7. Robin
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 15:08:24

    LOL !!! LOL !!!


  8. Joe
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 15:55:26

    That\’s only about the funniest thing I\’ve heard in a long while!


  9. Brett
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 17:55:52

    That\’s rich,gotta love it! Actually,I have a lizard,no inneundo implied.LOL ! I have a male bearded dragon,named Nemo.Have had the little fella for close to four years now.Great pet,low maintenance,unlike myself.Peace.~ Piggy ~


  10. Angel eyes
    Mar 06, 2009 @ 20:21:51

    this is really hilarious to me angel eyes


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