Too Much Education!

 
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.   
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
 
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
                          
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
             

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.                

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

                                                            

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOLare sending me for participating in their special e-mail program..

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.                                                  

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
                                                
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

             
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
                   
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
     
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.      
                                               
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
                                     
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU  I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
                                 
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE  I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
                                
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
                                                                    
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . .  
                                                           
And oh, by the way…..   

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

 
 

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40 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 13:48:35

    Now your my equal . . . welcome aboard ! Peace. ~ Piggy ~

    Reply

  2. Samuel J
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 14:12:36

    I Love It! Well said! Maybe Michael Jackson had the right idea with the gloved hand and masks in public!

    Reply

  3. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 15:06:23

    Now,maybe now,you\’ll leave moi alone !!!! Are all you old fleshies that persistent ! We were friends first, :: blah,blah,blah :: I knew you before :: blah,blah,blah :: sign my guestbook :: blah,blah,blah :: Done done it,leave me alone woman!!!!

    Reply

  4. Duckie
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 15:11:00

    Yep, some have messed us up big time. Knowing you, I do believe that youcan discern. I am still on a high about baby Quinn. That is all I need.

    Reply

  5. REBECCA
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 15:31:55

    I know I read part of this before, but it wasn\’t as involved or as funny as this version is. Thanks! I needed a chuckle. I loved the frog, and saved it in my Photobucket account. I also saved the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe and am willing to share. . . Hugs,Becky

    Reply

  6. Beth
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 15:39:16

    I love this!!!

    Reply

  7. Lori BJ
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 16:06:44

    i have learned also to read the last line of the email first to see how much time i have to read the email with out going ovr the limit…. LOL

    Reply

  8. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 16:39:18

    Piggy, I am humbled and honored that you now consider me your equal. I\’m taking my bow now. <applause, applause>

    Reply

  9. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 16:50:58

    Instead of being created from the rib of a man,your from the rib of a pig.Fire up the B.B.Q.,dinner is at what\’s her faces.Whoo hoot !!!

    Reply

  10. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 16:54:08

    Lmao!! good one this Rhonda 🙂

    Reply

  11. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 16:56:18

    Don\’t encourage her Gill,especially at her age.

    Reply

  12. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 16:59:06

    :: slapping Piggy :: I think Rhonda is younger than me….cheeky beggar.

    Reply

  13. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:02:13

    Gill everyone is younger than you . . . so what is your point ?!? :: Feeling the sting of Gill\’s slap :: Here\’s a twenty,thanks for the cheap thrill darlin\’ . . . I expect change,it wasn\’t that good !

    Reply

  14. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:03:04

    Oh Piggy, your "niceness" wore off so fast…did you eat some bad slop today or what? I think you are suffering from Piggyforgetsitoritis…it\’s a disorder where you can\’t decide between naughty and nice and you kinda have to see a Pig Shrink for it so they can regulate your pigerpersonality meter…you really should make that appointment before it gets worse.

    Reply

  15. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:04:28

    Thank you Gill…someone had to get that Pig under control…his symptoms are out of control today!

    Reply

  16. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:06:45

    Piggy you know I dont do anything for less than 100 so what you waffling on about.:: pinning piggy down with the heel of my stiletto :: Hmmmmm what to do …what to do???

    Reply

  17. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:07:55

    If I were to make that appointment Spaces would be boring . . . I\’m back just a wee bit today,and look at all the fun I\’m having! It\’s always about moi,not vous.In your heart of hearts,even though it\’s old,you wouldn\’t want moi any other way . . . and not even B.B.Q.\’d cuz Piggy lights up your life.I\’m the Debbie Boone of Spaces,just a bit more trashier . . . I\’m fun for the whole family !!!

    Reply

  18. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:09:40

    That\’s right Gill…he doesn\’t recognize classy abuse when he gets it…too many cheap thrills I\’m afraid!

    Reply

  19. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:10:14

    Gill see that Rusty has trained you well . . . how you know I was into stilettos ? Your right about the price Gill,my bad,sorry . . . :: Piggy counting out a hundred pennies :: Here ya go Gill,don\’t spend it all in one place.

    Reply

  20. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:10:38

    LOL Piggy…okay okay, I can\’t disagree with that…except for my heart being old that is!

    Reply

  21. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:11:58

    Lmao!!! Even when you are awful you make me laugh. Little git lol!

    Reply

  22. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:13:12

    I can\’t even type I\’m laughing so hard…OMG!

    Reply

  23. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:13:36

    And by the way I am Rustys star pupil. Hence the new profile pic…its good advertising you see. I was chatting with Rusty the other day and she was asking if you were under control. I am gonna have to report this episode back to her im afraid.

    Reply

  24. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:14:45

    Its a good job I am too much of a lady otherwise my language to piggy would be choice.:: whispering to rhonda :: Piggy would probably like that dirty language too though 🙂

    Reply

  25. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:16:04

    Gill your wasting your time,reporting this episode . . every episode involving moi is bad.It\’s what I do best. :: Picking up penny Gill dropped :: Here you go Gill,it\’s yours,you earned it . . .

    Reply

  26. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:19:44

    pffft…see a penny pick it up, all day long you\’ll have good luck.

    Reply

  27. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 17:21:57

    Good luck all day you say . . . . ? If chattin\’ up the elderly is my good fortune for today,would hate to see my bad luck !!!

    Reply

  28. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 18:02:43

    How do you think we feel…we\’re chatting with a Pig???Yes Gill, talking dirty to him would only encourage him more…no need to give him what he wants.I\’m off to do a little shopping and then I\’ll be ready for the bbq dinner…try to keep him on his leash while I\’m gone.

    Reply

  29. Gill.
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 18:05:38

    Hahahahahaha well I will catch ya laters Rhonda. Dont spend too much money will ya ???

    Reply

  30. Natural ♥
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 18:07:23

    Hi Rhonda,I am so sorry to hear about your Acarophobia, Aichmophobia, Alektorophobia, Androphobia, Arachnephobia, Automysophobia, Bacteriophobia, Bromidrosiphobia, Parasitophobia, Pathophobia, Pediculophobia, etc…, but I\’m sure glad you don\’t have Batrachophobia! That frog sending a Great Day to all was just what I need to hear. :-)\’s & xx\’s

    Reply

  31. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 18:09:48

    Thanks Natural…now that was a mouthful…LOL!

    Reply

  32. Curtis
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 18:25:20

    Cute Rhonda. Thanks for the laugh

    Reply

  33. Touch
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 23:00:07

    Rhonda, you\’ll be pleased to know that Penny Brown has made a miraculous recovery. However, she was bitten on the hind parts by a large spider in the airport lady\’s room while waiting for her flight to Nigeria to collect her inheritance form her long lost uncle\’s estate, There is a new medical procedure to save her left cheek from falling off but the hospital that performs the procedure only accepts pop tops from Mountain Dew cans…………….

    Reply

  34. Rhonda
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 23:11:26

    LOL Chip…you crack me up!

    Reply

  35. Touch
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 23:31:44

    OH,NO! I meant Budweiser, not Mountain Dew!

    Reply

  36. Brett
    Jul 11, 2009 @ 23:50:38

    Rhonda,if you tell me it isn\’t a surprise.Now you went and ruined it ! Dagnabit all !

    Reply

  37. Happy
    Jul 12, 2009 @ 00:10:19

    I keyboard quick response (wearing safety gloves and goggles) to thank you for hilarious post which is also most instructive about daily living. No idea so much dangerous excitement lurked as close as T.V. remote. Thanks for tips to make family life safer. Would comment further but want to start forwarding message to about 5 thousand \’friends\’ so great dove does not divebomb garden. LOL Love to you 🙂

    Reply

  38. Brett
    Jul 12, 2009 @ 02:38:09

    Tsk,tsk,tsk, . . . Rhonda,Rhonda . . . of course pigs don\’t talk and type . . . that\’s just dementia settling in with your old age.You know,I was being kind and manipulated your photo to make you look younger.As for today,I too have a surprise . . .

    Reply

  39. Princess
    Jul 12, 2009 @ 03:55:12

    Yo Rhonda! Loved the blog! Now that frog is just pure good taste! Hope u have a Great Sunday! Luv PF XXX

    Reply

  40. Angel eyes
    Jul 12, 2009 @ 05:26:15

    Love it angel eyes

    Reply

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