The Joys of Parenthood

 
Let me apologize in advance for the inappropriate word in this scenario and I hope it does not offend anyone.  
In looking at it from a parent’s perspective, you can’t help but giggle.
 
Have a great day! 
 
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Thursday Thrill

 
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far & would just
walk home.

On the way, he stopped at the hardware store & bought a bucket & a gallon
of paint. He then stopped by the feed store & picked up a couple of
chickens & a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a
problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"

 

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm & carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much”, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

On the way he says, "Let’s take a short cut & go down this alley. We’ll be
there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely
widow w/out a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, & have your
way w/me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, 2 chickens & a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall & do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him w/the bucket, put the
paint on top of the bucket, & I’ll hold the chickens …"

 

Never understimate little old ladies!

Tuesday Tickler

 
The Human Body
 
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 

The average man’s private area is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

Women reading this will be finished now. 

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Too Much Education!

 
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.   
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
 
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
                          
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
             

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.                

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

                                                            

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOLare sending me for participating in their special e-mail program..

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.                                                  

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
                                                
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

             
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
                   
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
     
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.      
                                               
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
                                     
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU  I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
                                 
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE  I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
                                
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
                                                                    
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . .  
                                                           
And oh, by the way…..   

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

 
 

The Southern Wife

 

The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do

  the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the
  third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
  away.

  The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders
  that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
  day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By
  the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there
   was a huge dinner on the table.

  The third man married a girl from the SOUTH. He ordered her to keep the
  house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
  on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see
   anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day,
  some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
  left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
   sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

I may live in the North Country, but I’m a still a Southern girl!

Have a happy day!

If Animals Could Talk

 
I’M GETTING SO FAT I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN TUSHI!

THESE MORNING WALKS ARE KILLING ME!

WHAT PART OF QUIET
DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

OK, NOW DONT MOVE FOR ABOUT A WEEK!

SORRY MOM, I’M NEW AT THIS!


I hate it when this happens!



IM SO CUTE, THEY WONT CARE IF I SHRED THIS!!

I really need to get going, 
But I just can’t seem to get motivated….

 

Hey..gimme my BALL back!!

 

I said, Go to sleep!!

Nice doggie…GOOD boy
 

A little power nap…

Sleeping in again

 
Hope this made you smile…
Have a happy day!
 

Snapdragons

  

 

 

 

 

May you always have…
Love  to Share , Health to Spare, and Friends that  Care!

Or sometimes slightly scrambled!

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